When I was a kid the next best thing to getting free candy on Halloween, was planning my Halloween costume.  I loved dressing up.  It didn’t matter to me if my costume was store-bought or handmade; although I usually preferred to make my own.

In all the years of my youth, and into adulthood, I loved to imagine what or who I might be for Halloween.  But not once in all those years of planning did I ever think hmmmm… I think I want to be a slutty kitty for Halloween next year, or Nancy the Nasty Night Nurse, or perhaps Dorothy does Dallas.

What has happened to the innocence of Halloween?

You might remember my dilemma last year when my family was invited to a Halloween party and we wanted to go as The Wizard of Oz characters.  My daughter refused to be Dorothy, so I said I would.    Upon entering my big named costume store I found a somewhere over the rainbow wall of costume pictures and excitedly started my scan for blue gingham, ruby slippers, and a short titled costume named “Dorothy”, Instead I found a hybrid creation of Biergarten madam meets Country Ho, by the name of  “Kansas Cutie” mocking me from above.

I must have stared at that wall for 15 solid minutes thinking this must be some kind of mistake, when finally a pimply teenaged kid came up to me and said, “Do you need help ma’am?”  So I say to the kid, “I’m looking for the ‘regular’ Dorothy costume”, but he’s quick to tell me I’m out of luck; they are only selling the “Kansas Cutie”.  The fact that he called me ma’am should have been his first clue I wasn’t really the Kansas Cutie type, but I politely explained to him I was going to a family party, and didn’t think showing my ass every time I bent over to pick up one of my three children would be appropriate for this type of event.  His pimples burned red, as he tried to mumble out a few other suggestions, to which I just shook my head and walked away.

Almost every ladies costume on that wall of shame was the tramped up version of just about any costume you could possibly imagine: Temptress the tin (man), Robin check out my hood, Cleo-pat-my-ass-ra, Poca-my-hontas, Snow Whore and the Seven S.T.D.’s, Tickle-my Elmo, Good Cop/Bad Cop, Naughty Night Nurse, Horny Potter, Little Red Riding Ho, Fire pole Floozy, Wet for you Nemo, S&M Sailor, Astro-naughty, Hot Cross Buns, Alice in Wonderlust, and  Pirates booty…It was a Halloween porn casting call just waiting for us ladies to audition.

But if sexy ain’t your thang, then what’s left?  Why the evil, green-eyed, warted nosed, cackling, PMS’ing wicked bitch of the west, that’s what’s left.  Because as I’ve come to learn, ladies costumes are the dichotomy of who we are right?  Sexy whore or evil witch; at least that’s the message I’m receiving.

Then just when I didn’t think it could get any worse I saw this…

Long pause…………………………….still taking it all in………………………BIGSIGH………………..

WTF???!!

Have we completely gone mad?   Lost our moral compass?  Forgot about family values?  We’re living in a Halloween version of Sodom and Gomorrah…if only there was just one righteous costume…just one!

Family values?  Sure they still exist.  I just had to dig a little bit deep…into my childhood.  Then it dawned on me… family values…Addams Family…Addams Family Values!!!  And Voila!

I love Halloween, and no sexy hazmat suit, or Kansas Cutie is going to break my spirit and keep me from finding a costume I can actually wear in front of my children. I’m thankful I still have a cast of characters from my past to inspire me, and help keep the innocence in Halloween.

A most Happy Halloween to all the ghosts, ghouls, and goblins haunting here today!!

And to all you Sexy, Slutty Mamas, and Hormone Laden Witches a Happy Halloween to you too!!

A “Dirty Diana” I am not, I prefer to think of myself …”Like a Virgin…”.

Trick or Treat
smell my feet
Give me something good to eat
If you don’t
I don’t care
I’ll pull down your underwear!!